Beyond and Between

It's a common motif. More common than most. From the epic tales of Homer, to Willa Cather's short stories, the theme of taking a step beyond what we know. Passing through a waterfall that hides a path and an ultimate goal. Like the 700 peers at my school, and hundreds of thousands of students across the nation, I am going to move beyond.

Beyond high school,

Beyond on-campus lunches,

Beyond six classes a day,

Beyond constant judgment and analysis from peers.

Beyond a city that never sleeps,

Beyond 110 degree summers

Beyond a 10 year drought,

Beyond a street lamp outside my window.

Beyond a midnight curfew,

Beyond living with my family,

Beyond parental controls every step of the way,

Beyond a life void of adult-person struggles.

I face my future with shoulders straight, spine aligned, and a stare out beyond the galaxies. But then I realize it is a void. The stars strive to fill the area but the vast expanse is infinite between each little, distant torch. Am I ready to go to this place where it can take light years to reach another solid object? Our own sun takes 8 minutes to shine on us from its celestial position. The light travels 150 million km (93 million miles) in 8 minutes. Supposedly travelling the speed of sound (excusing that no sounds travels in a vacuum), it would take a person over 441,175 years of constant travel to reach earth. And the scenery might be gorgeous at first, but how many millenniums of stars can you stand?

My trust in the future wavers. If I want to go beyond, how can I conquer the miles, years, struggles in between. Even traveling at the speed of light it would take me 431 years to reach the North Star, one of the most important points in the astronomical night sky and in a metaphorical life. What if the spaceship breaks down and I become stuck? What if I only plan enough food for 430 years? Or what if my children don't want to go the distance? What if nostalgia? What if severe bouts of depression? What if serious injury? how How HOW is perseverance possible, let alone simply surviving?

Weighing the Beyonds and Betweens now becomes a task, struggling to find Beyonds, while Betweens float to the surface of the mind. Add in Backwards and a whole new facet arises that makes accepting the Beyonds more difficult. But Beyonds beat Backwards and Betweens and a realization of finalization appears.

One step through the waterfall will leave me sopping wet, and although I won't dry for a while, eventually the moisture will evaporate off my body, until the waterfall feels simply like a faint memory. So I accept the invitation, this invitation to Beyond. To find the path and follow it to my goal.

Prometheus, and the security of fear.

I can distinctly remember four times in my life where I felt fear. Not like on a roller coaster, or watching an intense movie, but a long period of time where I was genuinely afraid. Each time, the fear would overpower me, but eventually abate. And it wasn't until my last encounter with it, that I finally figured it out. I finally  learned what fear is, and why I struggle so much with it.

According to Classical Mythology, Prometheus was the Titan who stole fire from the gods and gave it to man. But for his punishment, he was chained to a rock and an eagle gnawed on his liver, until being rescued. For me, fear is like the punishment of Prometheus. It chains me down, and gnaws at me. When I'm living in a state of fear, I can't function. Everything is overbearing, and I can't think clearly. It overtakes everything. But in thinking about it, I found that I almost liked being scared. There's a sense of belonging and understanding in fear. It becomes your friend, but not really. More like a convenient acquaintance you can blame everything on. It makes it easy to live in hiding, to throw away your life and to give up. It blinds you, and you get so used to it that you lose the ability to see positivity, light, or happiness. And then, you come to fear the absence of fear. It talks you into believing that living without it would be worse than where you are now. It asks how you could live with taking responsibility for your own emotions and life. Fear is there to take all of that responsibility, or so he will tell you. It's a terminal disease. I've been there, felt it, lived it, walked it, breathed it. It was one of the hardest lessons I ever learned, but I came out of it stronger.

Throughout this all, I learned that it does feels secure and easy to live in fear, but it's easier to live in faith. When you finally escape the dungeons of fear, you feel the light of happiness and remember what you've been living without. Then you are able to feel courage. "Courage is not the mere absence of fear, it is the knowledge that you don't need to be afraid". Once you can totally rid yourself of fear, you get to that point.  You feel empowered, and know that you can live your life by your own thoughts and actions, and you don't need fear to blame things on. Fear doesn't make sense anymore. You find the light that fear was blinding you from, and it's the most refreshing, powerful, freeing feeling in the world.

It takes a journey to get there. For me it was a long one that covered the space of many years and took me through some very difficult situations. But I wouldn't trade them for anything, because they've made me who I am today, and brought me where I am, and I love that place.

Once Upon a Time...

Memories. Safety. Happiness. That's what I think of when I hear those words. When a story begins with that phrase, it sets a magical stage. I've been thinking a lot about the story of my life recently, and how much I've grown. What lies ahead. Where I am now.

I just read Peter Pan in preparation for this blog, and I'm full of thoughts and questions. Like who defines the difference between "make-believe" and "reality"? Who is to say what is real, and what is fake? Could I live my entire life in a fantasy I create? And if so, what would be the outcome? That's how Peter lives. Often I wish I could just hide away, live forever in a state of contented ignorance. Ignorance is such a fascinating concept. It's one of the things that makes children so lovable, but when seen in an adult, people judge them and compare. We crave it, yet loathe it.

I've also been thinking a lot about Imagination. Imagination is one of the greatest gifts we've ever been given. It allows us to escape from the bleakness the world often bathes us in, and have a moment of bliss. A minute to collect yourself. A second to refresh the senses. It is the key to the Neverlands. In P.P., it talks about how Wendy, John and Michael already knew Neverland. They were familiar with the paths, they knew what to expect, because they visited it before in their imagination and their dreams. "As a familiar friend to whom you are returning for the holidays".

Does Neverland even exist? Definitely. Only in our dreams? Maybe, but what's the difference. I'm not the mother to the lost boys in my Neverland, I don't fight Captain Hook, or hunt with Tiger Lily. Because if I did, it wouldn't be my own, and what would be the good of that? I wish every day I could go to a Neverland where time as we know it is stopped, where you live every day with adventure on behind every corner with not a care in the world. But instead, I get to create my own. I can't stop time, but I can create a haven from the world where imagination dies, and dreams flicker and burn out.

Will my story be one of "Once upon a time", or will it be a dreaded tale of bleakness, sorrow, pain and misery? That's entirely up to me and the environment I create for myself. That's pretty powerful, eh?