some thoughts on belief

Recently, there have been lots of opportunities in my life for unbelief, doubt, and despair. While I don't *like* these feelings, it's often easier to live in those feelings than in feelings of belief and joy etc. Easier because it's more the tendency of human nature, not easier because it feels better; it doesn't. 

With all these opportunities arising, I've been trying to figure out how to deal with the negative pressure that builds with negative thinking. I've got a lot of important deadlines coming up, I'm trying to keep my relationships in order, and it gets difficult sometimes. "What if this happens? What if some problem comes up you didn't plan on? What if you mess something up?" Questions like this keep playing in my head, and sometimes I just want to scream for it all to stop. To let me have a few minutes of silence and peace, a moment to collect my thoughts. 

All my life, I've heard people teach about standards and the best ways to ensure you keep them. "Decide now, know what your decision will be. That way, if the choice ever arises, you've already decided." So I've been thinking, why can't that same philosophy carry over into this? Can you simply decide to choose belief, not fear? Why not? I think that it's a very viable idea. I've been trying it, and it's an extremely empowering feeling. I feel like I'm winning more battles in my head, but also in my life. I feel more like the person I was made to be.  Kinda cool. 

Whenever the decision comes to give into fear, or rise above with faith, I choose to believe. 

I believe, and that sets me free. 

Something to be grateful for...

In the summer, I sleep with my window open. I did so last night, and woke up feeling similar to a frozen turkey. Okay, maybe not quite that extreme, but same idea. The days are getting shorter, I'm seeing Halloween decorations for sale, and my friends are all back in school. The calendar is telling me (and I'm finally resigning to the thought) that Autumn is right around the corner, with Winter shortly to follow. If I were to make a list of things I love, and things I can barely tolerate about the end of summer, the latter would far outweigh the former. However, there's nothing I can do to stop the seasons from changing, so I'm going to try and focus on the things that make me happy. 

I love corn mazes. Not haunted ones, just the normal, walk-around-with-your-friends/family ones. I think they're great. Plus, they smell good. 

I love Autumn leaves. Drives through the canyon in the Fall are one of my favorite things. Autumn in Utah is breathtaking. 

I love Thanksgiving. The food is bonus, I just like the family getting together, preparing the food, watching movies, making plans for the sales, Black Friday itself, it's just all fun. 

I love the first snow fall. Sitting on my bed, wrapped up in a blanket, watching it out the window. It feels like the world has stopped for a moment. I also like listening to it. I think it's incredible how well you can hear it.

I love cold-weather attire. I think it's much more classy (in general) than summer attire. I know, no one dresses like this anymore. But I liked the picture.

I love the food. Most of it I can't eat anymore, but I still like it.

I love the scents. Cinnamon, pumpkin pie, evergreen, apples, hot chocolate, sugar cookies, good stuff.

I love blankets, and cold weather gives more opportunity to use them. My cute neighbor lady told me once that she believes that blankets (and quilts especially) have personalities and spirits. At first I thought it was kind of weird, but I actually kind of like the thought. 

I love reading by a fire. Or sleeping. I just like fireplaces in the winter.

I feel like people are often more giving and happy around Christmas. Less self centered, more aware o f the people around them. I love that. I also love giving pennies to the Salvation Army guy. 

With these things sprinkled into the colder months, they're not too bad. Until February and March. There are no saving graces there.

I will mention one thing I don't like at all. Not something I dread, just something I don't like. I don't like Skiing. Not one bit. 

Thankfully, that's something I can opt out of.

Sometimes...

Sometimes people are so nice that you just have to cry.

The other day at work, a ridiculously silly situation happened, and I ended up losing a $50 gift card. Kim wasn't home, so I had to tell Kirk. I was dying. I told him, he was nice about it, but I was still dying. I drove home on the verge of tears. I texted Kim about it when I got home, and she didn't respond for the longest time. All these thoughts are racing around in my head that they're going to fire me, and that they'll never trust me again. By the time I go to bed, I'm still an emotional wreck. Right as I'm about to fall asleep, Kim texted me. "Megan, it's okay. It was just a mistake, don't worry about it. We'll figure it out." And I started bawling because she was so nice about it. Why? I'm not really sure. But sometimes you just have to cry.

From Comprehension to Understanding

In my brain, the difference between these two words is slight, but large enough to matter significantly. By definition, they're pretty similar, but I'm bypassing Mirriam today; bear with me.

It's the difference between knowing which notes to play and knowing how to play them.
It's the difference between seeing someone in pain, and knowing what their pain feels like.
It's the difference between speaking a script, and becoming the character.
It's the difference between being the reader of an autobiography, and being the author.
It's the difference between passing the test, and applying what you learn.
It's the difference between knowing the death rate of children in Africa, and going there and seeing why they're dying.
It's the difference between thoughts and actions.

I think people too often pass through life comprehending a lot of things, but not taking the time to understand very much. Because once you understand something, you're under more of an obligation to act on the knowledge. It would be so much easier to be blind to some things. It would be easier to ignore when things go wrong, to ignore the people in pain around you, and to ignore that not everything can be mended in the way you had hoped. Or would it be? Is ignorance really bliss? Or is it just an excuse to lead an empty life?

Here's my opinion. I think that ignorance is possibly the farthest thing from bliss imaginable. Ignorance is a chain; you can't act when you're under its influence. It ties you down to "comfort," and you never are able to grow. You remain dormant, never really living or breathing. When you start understanding, your eyes open to so much more around you. Some of it will be very painful and unpleasant, but some of it is also very beautiful. After all, you can't taste the sweet without the bitter. And I truly believe, that when you open your eyes and begin understanding, your capacity to influence change becomes greater. I've seen it happen.

Isn't it sweeter, easier, and much more fulfilling to be a powerful influence for good, than to lie dormant, never aware of what truly lies around you? That's what I think, and that's how I choose to live.