some thoughts on belief

Recently, there have been lots of opportunities in my life for unbelief, doubt, and despair. While I don't *like* these feelings, it's often easier to live in those feelings than in feelings of belief and joy etc. Easier because it's more the tendency of human nature, not easier because it feels better; it doesn't. 

With all these opportunities arising, I've been trying to figure out how to deal with the negative pressure that builds with negative thinking. I've got a lot of important deadlines coming up, I'm trying to keep my relationships in order, and it gets difficult sometimes. "What if this happens? What if some problem comes up you didn't plan on? What if you mess something up?" Questions like this keep playing in my head, and sometimes I just want to scream for it all to stop. To let me have a few minutes of silence and peace, a moment to collect my thoughts. 

All my life, I've heard people teach about standards and the best ways to ensure you keep them. "Decide now, know what your decision will be. That way, if the choice ever arises, you've already decided." So I've been thinking, why can't that same philosophy carry over into this? Can you simply decide to choose belief, not fear? Why not? I think that it's a very viable idea. I've been trying it, and it's an extremely empowering feeling. I feel like I'm winning more battles in my head, but also in my life. I feel more like the person I was made to be.  Kinda cool. 

Whenever the decision comes to give into fear, or rise above with faith, I choose to believe. 

I believe, and that sets me free. 

Something to be grateful for...

In the summer, I sleep with my window open. I did so last night, and woke up feeling similar to a frozen turkey. Okay, maybe not quite that extreme, but same idea. The days are getting shorter, I'm seeing Halloween decorations for sale, and my friends are all back in school. The calendar is telling me (and I'm finally resigning to the thought) that Autumn is right around the corner, with Winter shortly to follow. If I were to make a list of things I love, and things I can barely tolerate about the end of summer, the latter would far outweigh the former. However, there's nothing I can do to stop the seasons from changing, so I'm going to try and focus on the things that make me happy. 

I love corn mazes. Not haunted ones, just the normal, walk-around-with-your-friends/family ones. I think they're great. Plus, they smell good. 

I love Autumn leaves. Drives through the canyon in the Fall are one of my favorite things. Autumn in Utah is breathtaking. 

I love Thanksgiving. The food is bonus, I just like the family getting together, preparing the food, watching movies, making plans for the sales, Black Friday itself, it's just all fun. 

I love the first snow fall. Sitting on my bed, wrapped up in a blanket, watching it out the window. It feels like the world has stopped for a moment. I also like listening to it. I think it's incredible how well you can hear it.

I love cold-weather attire. I think it's much more classy (in general) than summer attire. I know, no one dresses like this anymore. But I liked the picture.

I love the food. Most of it I can't eat anymore, but I still like it.

I love the scents. Cinnamon, pumpkin pie, evergreen, apples, hot chocolate, sugar cookies, good stuff.

I love blankets, and cold weather gives more opportunity to use them. My cute neighbor lady told me once that she believes that blankets (and quilts especially) have personalities and spirits. At first I thought it was kind of weird, but I actually kind of like the thought. 

I love reading by a fire. Or sleeping. I just like fireplaces in the winter.

I feel like people are often more giving and happy around Christmas. Less self centered, more aware o f the people around them. I love that. I also love giving pennies to the Salvation Army guy. 

With these things sprinkled into the colder months, they're not too bad. Until February and March. There are no saving graces there.

I will mention one thing I don't like at all. Not something I dread, just something I don't like. I don't like Skiing. Not one bit. 

Thankfully, that's something I can opt out of.

Sometimes...

Sometimes people are so nice that you just have to cry.

The other day at work, a ridiculously silly situation happened, and I ended up losing a $50 gift card. Kim wasn't home, so I had to tell Kirk. I was dying. I told him, he was nice about it, but I was still dying. I drove home on the verge of tears. I texted Kim about it when I got home, and she didn't respond for the longest time. All these thoughts are racing around in my head that they're going to fire me, and that they'll never trust me again. By the time I go to bed, I'm still an emotional wreck. Right as I'm about to fall asleep, Kim texted me. "Megan, it's okay. It was just a mistake, don't worry about it. We'll figure it out." And I started bawling because she was so nice about it. Why? I'm not really sure. But sometimes you just have to cry.

From Comprehension to Understanding

In my brain, the difference between these two words is slight, but large enough to matter significantly. By definition, they're pretty similar, but I'm bypassing Mirriam today; bear with me.

It's the difference between knowing which notes to play and knowing how to play them.
It's the difference between seeing someone in pain, and knowing what their pain feels like.
It's the difference between speaking a script, and becoming the character.
It's the difference between being the reader of an autobiography, and being the author.
It's the difference between passing the test, and applying what you learn.
It's the difference between knowing the death rate of children in Africa, and going there and seeing why they're dying.
It's the difference between thoughts and actions.

I think people too often pass through life comprehending a lot of things, but not taking the time to understand very much. Because once you understand something, you're under more of an obligation to act on the knowledge. It would be so much easier to be blind to some things. It would be easier to ignore when things go wrong, to ignore the people in pain around you, and to ignore that not everything can be mended in the way you had hoped. Or would it be? Is ignorance really bliss? Or is it just an excuse to lead an empty life?

Here's my opinion. I think that ignorance is possibly the farthest thing from bliss imaginable. Ignorance is a chain; you can't act when you're under its influence. It ties you down to "comfort," and you never are able to grow. You remain dormant, never really living or breathing. When you start understanding, your eyes open to so much more around you. Some of it will be very painful and unpleasant, but some of it is also very beautiful. After all, you can't taste the sweet without the bitter. And I truly believe, that when you open your eyes and begin understanding, your capacity to influence change becomes greater. I've seen it happen.

Isn't it sweeter, easier, and much more fulfilling to be a powerful influence for good, than to lie dormant, never aware of what truly lies around you? That's what I think, and that's how I choose to live.

My random pleasures

Delicious perfume and cologne.

I especially love the fact that the same one can smell entirely different, depending on the person. Fascinating.

Tigers

Look at that. What's not to love?

Basil

There's something extremely.. comforting about it. I love cooking with it. Especially on...
Homemade Pizza

Pizza from most places makes me cry a little on the inside. Homemade pizza? SOO good.

Mountains

In particular, hiking in them

There's something about being in the mountains, that you don't get anywhere else. 

There's such deep peace and tranquility there. When I'm emotionally drained and hurting, this is where I like to go

Minty Lipgloss

This kind, right here. Other lipgloss is pointless. 'Nuff said 

Regina Spektor

I love her style, I love her music. I love that she dares to be completely unique. 

Anthropologie

Every time I go to Gateway, I come here. it's just... really cool.

pinkpersimmon.tumblr.com

If I could live in this blog, I very happily would. 

The ocean

Okay, this is maybe a tie with the mountains. I need a beach house.

Full moons

Some nights, I stay up extra late, just to look at them

Steinways

Heaven under my fingertips and in my ears

My yellow piano

Not a Steinway, but my baby all the same

Rachmaninoff

Possibly my favorite composer of all time. He gets me. 

Psych

Yup. I love it.

Dancing

I used to dream of being a professional dancer... Never happened, but I still love it. 

These movies

These are my soul movies. I love them very deeply. 

Movies I Love - Part I.

Jane Eyre.

I'd read this book a few years ago and remembered it as sad, long, and semi painful, but when my cousins invited me to go, I figured I may as well. And I absolutely fell in love. It was fabulously done, the actors were superb, and it was very well depicted. Along with being a very well done film, it taught me some things that I've been pondering on ever since I've seen it.

One of the things that especially struck me was Jane's matter-of-factness about life. She had a tragic childhood and youth, was stripped of everything and had to make her own living, and her relatives hated her. Everything very much in order for pity from others and of herself. Yet when asked by her new employer to tell her "tale of woe", she simply says she has no tale of woe, and recounts with plain details her past story. "No tale of woe?" he replies, his voice fringed with sarcasm. So often I see myself and others using anything negative that  happens to us as an excuse. An excuse for pity, for being depressed, for not showing kindness or excitement, for allowing ourselves to become numb, and so forth. This being the case, it gave me a new perspective on trials and how I've abused them in the past. I think it really is abuse. When something unexpected or unpleasant happens, we can learn from it or it can take us down. I've known that for a long time, but I never added in the aspect of how we view it. How we deal with it is one thing, but how we see it is something else entirely. Hmm, food for thought.

Another thing I loved was the scene where Jane leaves from Thornfield. On the day of her marriage to the man she was so very deeply in love with, she finds out at the alter that the marriage cannot happen because he already has a wife. Granted that wife is insane, but a wife is a wife. After an extremely emotional day, her husband-to-be talks with her and pleads "Who would you offend by living with me?" Her reply, "Myself, sir." And then amidst their sobs, she tears herself away and leaves. The two things I liked about this scene was, first, the refreshing perspective of relationships. In society today, I think that the view of relationships in general is very flawed and unhealthy. If you "love" someone, anything is acceptable. There are little to no boundaries, and "love" had become extremely self-centered and for pleasure only. Too often, the media gives this flawed view of love an excessive amount of glory, so it was nice to see a new outlook on it. The second thing I liked was the view of self-respect it gave. Very rarely does someone set a standard of respect for themselves, and even more rarely is it kept. But Jane did exactly that, she knew what was right for her, and even though no one would have known, she had to keep that standard for her. To fail to do so would break her, even more deeply than separating herself from her love. And I feel like the more respect you have for yourself, the more you have for others. So by leaving him, she was showing a greater portion of love than if she stayed. Beautiful.

The simplicity, the sophistication and refinement, the beauty, ahh, this movie is extremely superb. A feast for my soul.

Wake Up and Smell the Smog

A nuclear winter sounds like a horrifying event, one which no one would like to live through. The major problem in this disaster would be the excess pollution blocking out the sun, halting the progress of life as we know it, or more accurately, of life. Plants would stop production of chlorophyll, would stop needing carbon dioxide, and would stop producing oxygen. Although the atmosphere is 8% oxygen, we would slowly suffocate ourselves, simply by breathing, which would only occur if we don’t die from the cataclysmic event, or the poisoning from the toxic air first. The ominous fact is we have begun down this path towards poisoning and suffocation, a surefire way to commit a worldwide genocide.

You might say that this can never happen. The cold war has ended, we have stopped stockpiling our nuclear weapons, we are on positive terms with all other nations with atomic bombs, or at least not pursuing aggression of any form against them. So what will cause this nuclear winter? The world has functioned superbly for thousands, if not millions of year, so the answer is obviously us, and more specifically our actions, which have predicated our downfall due to our use and usage of unclean fuels such as coal and gas.

We can trace this partnership between coal and ourselves back to the industrial revolution in Great Britain, when coal was first used to power plants to create desired products out of raw goods, and progress human civilization positively. This was our first major poisoning of ourselves, and it was followed by many later doses of toxins throughout the world. Like a drug user we recieved momentary surges forward from this, but were always left wanting more. Now the earth is truly becoming poisoned, and we are suffocating with enormous amounts of smoke and industrial haze being poured into the air.

Admittedly, Americans are the worst culprits, producing around 20 tons of carbon emissions per person, compared with the average 18 tons produced by Saudi Arabians and Canadians who are the next largest producers. The Chinese who we view as having extremely polluted cities only produce a surprising 2 tons per person, 2 tons less than the world wide average. What these statistics show is that we Americans are the worst producer of carbon emissions, but being at the top (in a negative way) means that improving should be easier for us.

Of our 20 tons of carbon emissions produced annually, about 82% is produced from fossil fuel combustion. We NEED to work together as a community, a United States community to reduce this number. Turning off all the lights not being used in the house, using public transportation as often as possible in all cities that are visited, and driving a car that has a low impact in the environment are all positive ways to start. Use air-dryers in public restrooms verses using paper towels, which have to later be driven to a dump or a recycling plant, and walk whenever possible. Education about carbon footprints is the key to this process. So now that you have learned, how will you reduce your contribution to nuclear winter?

An Invitation Within

Very recently, I was in an atmosphere where I was able to take a look at my life through a brand new perspective. I've found that often when I take a moment to check where I'm at and where I can improve, it becomes a list of failures, expectations I didn't meet, ways I let myself down, etc. Because of this, it becomes a task that I don't want to do but think I should. And after taking this personal inventory, it often leaves me feeling overwhelmed, imperfect, or hopeless. This time was different though. It was completely opposite. I didn't initiate it, and I'm not really sure why or how it happened, but it was incredibly powerful. It left me feeling like I've never quite felt before, and I will try and explain it here. Although words cannot quite express it fully, this is the closest I can come to describing what it felt like and what I learned.

Clarity, depth and new growth also. But mostly this amazing feeling of being stripped down to the very essence of being. I felt like I could see my true self standing in pure light.  No fake identities, nothing hidden, nothing more, nothing less, no false pretenses. No wax. Sincere. Raw. No emotions other than joy. The joy that C.S. Lewis talks about, the longing evoked with intense beauty. Like a sunset, or a moving piece of music. An exquisite glimpse of something that you can't have, but the desire of it is almost as sweet as having it would be. Something that you can't really describe, but you know the feeling of. The strange part is that I didn't cringe at what I saw. Before, when I have viewed myself and my soul critically, I feel naked and flawed. Excessively imperfect and like I don't have the potential to become anything great. But this time I saw a view of myself that I've tried to see many times, but have never quite caught. A view of myself with infinite potential, along with an invitation grow and become stronger. To take light and build on it. To take that very raw potential and run with it. To take the beauty there, and make it even more beautiful. It doesn't have flaws, it's just pure soul. It's perfect, right where it needs to be, doing exactly what it's supposed to be doing. What I saw before I let expectations, mistakes, guilt, fear, pride, and opinions cloud and distort that view.  I think we rarely see this view of ourselves. We look in the wrong places, or choose not look at all because we fear what we'll see. I realize now that I've been trying to grow a relationship with myself by trying to become "perfect". Making a list of what I needed to do before I could love myself, instead of loving who I already am. But when I moved beyond and allow my eyes to be opened, I got a glimpse into eternity, and into the depths of myself. And from that roots all beauty, greatness, purity, and our perfection.

When you can see and embrace this view of who you are, and choose to rise above the people, media, music, even yourself, and anything else that says you don't have that potential, you free your soul. You can break loose from the ties that have bound you to the earth, take flight, and soar above the world like you've always wanted to do, breaking these bonds of dependency on opinions and affirmations of others. And then you can see the world from above, glide among the clouds, and sail through the sky with the wind at your back.

The Paradox of Sacrifice

"There is a curious paradox that no one can explain. Who understands the secret of the reaping of the grain? Who understands why spring is born from winter's laboring pain or why we all must die a bit before we grow again?" - El Gallo, The Fantasticks

Why is it that we all must die a bit before we grow again? The times that we are crushed down the most, are the times that we can grow the strongest from, if we choose to get back up. This concept has been realized by people in all times. Greek mythology showed it through the figure of a Phoenix, the bird who is reborn through fire and ashes. Many East Indian religions show it on the large scale belief of reincarnation, or rebirth. We also know that in order for muscles to grow, they must first be torn down. But although we "know" what this concept means,  I don't think we fully understand it. It is a paradox. To seek something (i.e. life or growth) from its antagonist (some degree of death).

This whole idea of sacrifice and growth has fascinated me for some time. Last year, I had a mentor who told me that she didn't believe in the idea of sacrifice. Her philosophy was that if you're gaining something greater, there is no "sacrifice". For a while that confused me a lot. I looked up to her as a guide and believed much of what she taught me, but this didn't make sense. What if sacrifice didn't exist? We grow up hearing about it, often desiring and dreading it. It's like this awe-inspiring, yet almost awful idea. People giving up so much, for something they view as more important. And then we hear of the people who didn't choose to sacrifice, but were forced to. The concentration camps and holocaust of WWII, the genocide of Rwanda, the wars, the famines, the diseases. It fills us with awe to imagine what it must have been like, or may pale in comparison to what we've gone through. But there's another aspect of these sacrifices that is not commonly discussed.

We hear these stories, but what others experience is their own. They often tell about it, but we can't fully comprehend what it was like. It was their own sacrifice. I didn't live through the Rwandan Holocaust, but every time I read Imaculee Illibagiza's story of it, I grow a little bit. When I read Viktor Frankl's account of Theresienstadt, I can only try to imagine the pain and anguish he felt, but I learn from it. I don't experience the exact pain or circumstances of anyone else, but somehow I get a glimpse of what they are retelling, and it affects me. These experiences stretch, tear, mold, crush, and ultimately, refine. And in the end, your own sacrifice not only changes you, it changes others as well.

I eventually came to the decision that sacrifice does exist. While we are gaining something greater, there is still that moment where we are torn and crushed, and that's the point. While the sacrifice hurts, it gives us the capacity to receive more. Without sacrifice, we would remain dormant, never growing, stretching, or living. Sacrifice enables you to refine and view yourself more clearly. And during this process, you're able to find your true self. 

Every day, we evolve, our perspective shifts, we learn, and we grow. To what purpose? Nobody really knows. We each have our own life, our own thoughts, habits, paradigms, and we can never know what it's like to be anyone else. But we find ways to express what each of us discovers. The beauty we see, the heartache we feel, the thoughts we think, the sounds we hear. Everyone does it differently, often through music, art, writing, teaching, dancing, the list goes on. However it is, we interpret the world around us and communicate that to the planet. Sometimes it's hard to see, but everyone does it. Knowingly or not, we create a web.

In the frenzy of life and the often selfish view of ourselves we hold, sacrifice gives us a greater purpose to live for. It instills in us a deeper meaning of what love really is, a clearer perspective of why we're here, and a resolve to add a little more meaning into our lives. At the time, it may be the hardest decision you will ever make, or the greatest hurt you will ever feel. But the end result gives you the peace and the determination to keep moving forward, one step at a time. And some day, you'll look back and see that the refiners fire you've gone through, was the greatest thing that could ever have happened. We'll be the greatest version of ourselves, and to find that place is the greatest reward you could ask for. After all, isn't that why we're here in the first place?

Beyond and Between

It's a common motif. More common than most. From the epic tales of Homer, to Willa Cather's short stories, the theme of taking a step beyond what we know. Passing through a waterfall that hides a path and an ultimate goal. Like the 700 peers at my school, and hundreds of thousands of students across the nation, I am going to move beyond.

Beyond high school,

Beyond on-campus lunches,

Beyond six classes a day,

Beyond constant judgment and analysis from peers.

Beyond a city that never sleeps,

Beyond 110 degree summers

Beyond a 10 year drought,

Beyond a street lamp outside my window.

Beyond a midnight curfew,

Beyond living with my family,

Beyond parental controls every step of the way,

Beyond a life void of adult-person struggles.

I face my future with shoulders straight, spine aligned, and a stare out beyond the galaxies. But then I realize it is a void. The stars strive to fill the area but the vast expanse is infinite between each little, distant torch. Am I ready to go to this place where it can take light years to reach another solid object? Our own sun takes 8 minutes to shine on us from its celestial position. The light travels 150 million km (93 million miles) in 8 minutes. Supposedly travelling the speed of sound (excusing that no sounds travels in a vacuum), it would take a person over 441,175 years of constant travel to reach earth. And the scenery might be gorgeous at first, but how many millenniums of stars can you stand?

My trust in the future wavers. If I want to go beyond, how can I conquer the miles, years, struggles in between. Even traveling at the speed of light it would take me 431 years to reach the North Star, one of the most important points in the astronomical night sky and in a metaphorical life. What if the spaceship breaks down and I become stuck? What if I only plan enough food for 430 years? Or what if my children don't want to go the distance? What if nostalgia? What if severe bouts of depression? What if serious injury? how How HOW is perseverance possible, let alone simply surviving?

Weighing the Beyonds and Betweens now becomes a task, struggling to find Beyonds, while Betweens float to the surface of the mind. Add in Backwards and a whole new facet arises that makes accepting the Beyonds more difficult. But Beyonds beat Backwards and Betweens and a realization of finalization appears.

One step through the waterfall will leave me sopping wet, and although I won't dry for a while, eventually the moisture will evaporate off my body, until the waterfall feels simply like a faint memory. So I accept the invitation, this invitation to Beyond. To find the path and follow it to my goal.

Prometheus, and the security of fear.

I can distinctly remember four times in my life where I felt fear. Not like on a roller coaster, or watching an intense movie, but a long period of time where I was genuinely afraid. Each time, the fear would overpower me, but eventually abate. And it wasn't until my last encounter with it, that I finally figured it out. I finally  learned what fear is, and why I struggle so much with it.

According to Classical Mythology, Prometheus was the Titan who stole fire from the gods and gave it to man. But for his punishment, he was chained to a rock and an eagle gnawed on his liver, until being rescued. For me, fear is like the punishment of Prometheus. It chains me down, and gnaws at me. When I'm living in a state of fear, I can't function. Everything is overbearing, and I can't think clearly. It overtakes everything. But in thinking about it, I found that I almost liked being scared. There's a sense of belonging and understanding in fear. It becomes your friend, but not really. More like a convenient acquaintance you can blame everything on. It makes it easy to live in hiding, to throw away your life and to give up. It blinds you, and you get so used to it that you lose the ability to see positivity, light, or happiness. And then, you come to fear the absence of fear. It talks you into believing that living without it would be worse than where you are now. It asks how you could live with taking responsibility for your own emotions and life. Fear is there to take all of that responsibility, or so he will tell you. It's a terminal disease. I've been there, felt it, lived it, walked it, breathed it. It was one of the hardest lessons I ever learned, but I came out of it stronger.

Throughout this all, I learned that it does feels secure and easy to live in fear, but it's easier to live in faith. When you finally escape the dungeons of fear, you feel the light of happiness and remember what you've been living without. Then you are able to feel courage. "Courage is not the mere absence of fear, it is the knowledge that you don't need to be afraid". Once you can totally rid yourself of fear, you get to that point.  You feel empowered, and know that you can live your life by your own thoughts and actions, and you don't need fear to blame things on. Fear doesn't make sense anymore. You find the light that fear was blinding you from, and it's the most refreshing, powerful, freeing feeling in the world.

It takes a journey to get there. For me it was a long one that covered the space of many years and took me through some very difficult situations. But I wouldn't trade them for anything, because they've made me who I am today, and brought me where I am, and I love that place.

Once Upon a Time...

Memories. Safety. Happiness. That's what I think of when I hear those words. When a story begins with that phrase, it sets a magical stage. I've been thinking a lot about the story of my life recently, and how much I've grown. What lies ahead. Where I am now.

I just read Peter Pan in preparation for this blog, and I'm full of thoughts and questions. Like who defines the difference between "make-believe" and "reality"? Who is to say what is real, and what is fake? Could I live my entire life in a fantasy I create? And if so, what would be the outcome? That's how Peter lives. Often I wish I could just hide away, live forever in a state of contented ignorance. Ignorance is such a fascinating concept. It's one of the things that makes children so lovable, but when seen in an adult, people judge them and compare. We crave it, yet loathe it.

I've also been thinking a lot about Imagination. Imagination is one of the greatest gifts we've ever been given. It allows us to escape from the bleakness the world often bathes us in, and have a moment of bliss. A minute to collect yourself. A second to refresh the senses. It is the key to the Neverlands. In P.P., it talks about how Wendy, John and Michael already knew Neverland. They were familiar with the paths, they knew what to expect, because they visited it before in their imagination and their dreams. "As a familiar friend to whom you are returning for the holidays".

Does Neverland even exist? Definitely. Only in our dreams? Maybe, but what's the difference. I'm not the mother to the lost boys in my Neverland, I don't fight Captain Hook, or hunt with Tiger Lily. Because if I did, it wouldn't be my own, and what would be the good of that? I wish every day I could go to a Neverland where time as we know it is stopped, where you live every day with adventure on behind every corner with not a care in the world. But instead, I get to create my own. I can't stop time, but I can create a haven from the world where imagination dies, and dreams flicker and burn out.

Will my story be one of "Once upon a time", or will it be a dreaded tale of bleakness, sorrow, pain and misery? That's entirely up to me and the environment I create for myself. That's pretty powerful, eh?